cough syrup is delicious

so i'm doing the dishes and started thinking about some horrible terrible things...

i'm scrubbing this encrusted cheese off a frying pan and i began thinking about all the times i've scrubbed burnt cheese off a frying pan and how many times i'll have to do it again cause i just love melting cheese on things.

then i began thinking about this girl i know and how she has spent her whole dating career in relationships with men who control her every move and how even her current man happened to keel over dead after ingesting some rat poison soaked steak, i'd only see her a couple months later with another overbearing male. i wish i could give her the strength to kick these jerks to the curb and become the man hating bitch she once was...

and i thought about this guy i know and how lately he's been having trouble getting laid for some strange reason and how awesome it would be if i had a bunch of money so i could buy him a hot ass japanese hooker to ease him of his throbbing neglected balls. this made me think of how many other people out there can't get laid for one reason or another and just how many aching balls and vaginas i pass by on a daily basis, all itching to get jerked off...it's sad really....

the phone rang and it was this stupid stalker jerkbag who told horrendous lies about me and i told him to go eat a dick and i was reminded of all the dumb rumours i've heard about myself over the years and i laughed thinking about what a hideous beast i'd be if they were all true. i'd be a home wrecking bulimic heroin junky lesbian who jerks off stray dogs, drinks lamp oil for kicks, eats rubber cement, beats up cripples in wheelchairs for their hats full of change and stabs people with dirty AIDs needles (please don't believe anything you hear about me...they're all lies).

then i thought about the grocery store and those new convienient self-checkout lanes and all those people who've lost their jobs and the fact that these damn machines are ruining my chances of ever becoming a grocery clerk which would be one possible way of getting money to pay a japanese hooker for my sex deprived friend.

i thought about my dog popper and how awesome they were and how all the best bands always die fast after only a few amazing songs and how shitty bands like metallica go on and on for ages polluting our ears with their vile crap and make stupid fuckin' documentaries about how hard it is to be metallica and keep writing their awful ugly music.....FUCKIN' FUCK OFF AND DIE ALREADY!!!!! that stupid documentary has been on everyday for a week and i'm damn sick of seeing lars ulrich complaining everytime i change the channel...

anyways, i thought about a lot of things...did a lot of dishes and drank a lot of cough syrup. i think my cold's gone now.

i don't do massages (October 31, 2005 )

i went to the store to fax my resume out. i had been there before with the wrong number. the guy at the counter asked if i was looking for work. i said "well yeah". he asked what kind of work. i said painting houses. he asked if i could do phone sales for his company. i told him i have horrible phone skills. he asked if i had any 'body massage' experience. i told him to go eat a dick.

invalid subject line

questions questions

My ex is.........a drunk old perv.

Maybe I should........make some more art.

I love......wasabi.

I don't understand......mortiis and his choice of a face.

I lost my........sanity to a handful of gravol and a mikki of bourbon.

People would say that I'm.......fickle.

Love is......what i got.

Somewhere, someone is......listening to the crash test dummies.

I will always......love you.

I never want.........to go to africa.

I think the current PM is......a fuckin comedian.

When I woke up in the morning I........wanted nothing more than the yellow mini skirt i had bought in my dream.

Life is full of......funny suprises.

My past.......reads like something out of a david lynch script.

I get annoyed when.......i go through your phone maze of prerecorded messages and number selections, then get put on hold for twenty minutes and still can't get a straight answer from the stupid bitch on the other end.

I wish.......i had a box of popsicles.

My dog is....... dead.

Tomorrow I'm going to........fuck i dunno. drink or something.

I have low tolerance for people who......get off on being miserable.

If I had a million dollars I would.....open a greasy spoon and play nothing but gangsta rap and black metal over the speakers, then sit on my ass and live comfortably for a long while.

my feet are cold

that is all

today...of all things...i slipped on a banana peel...a fuckin banana peel..i didn't think that actually happened in real life...

there's something sitting outside my window making a terrible noise...like a dying pigeon or something...

i apologize now to anyone whose heart i've broken in the past and to anyone whose i may break in the future... apparently, i'm a monster...

chop suey (december 8, 2006)

so there's this woman at work. everytime she walks by she's got this look on her face like she's just shit herself. not only that...she's damn annoying...

example:
"can i take this tape gun?" she asks...
i say "go for it."
"i can take the other one if you like"...
"go for it"...."
"this one sticks a lot so maybe i should leave the good one with you"...
"sure whatever...i'm not using either."
"are you sure you don't need it?"
"take it...please..go."
"we have a lot of boxes to make for the next order...so it'd be better if i had the one that didn't stick so much"
at this point i usually stare of into the distance like something really interesting is going on behind her...she looks..sees nothing..looks back at me focused on the nothing...and finally she takes the damn tape gun and leaves..
i hate this woman...her pants are full of shit...

then there's this dude from bangladesh...he sings me the bangledesh anthem everyday...he even rolls his eyes into the back of his head like he's really getting into it...don't ask me why he's chosen to sarenade me like this...it really came out of nowhere...

i'm fuckin exhausted...it seems i'm always fuckin' exhausted, except for when i'm sleeping...

everyone needs to listen to more bethlehem, including me...